Perhaps when I tell you that when I got home from my walk Saturday morning I was so discouraged that I lobbed my hydration device past my poor, unsuspecting husband's head so hard that it might have actually left a dent in the back of the Boy Scout Troop Trailer that lives in our driveway you might have a clue what the answer to that question might be.
And Steve Spurrier himself could take lessons from me in the art of the Visor Toss.
I walked inside the house, sat down, kicked the trash can, then had a big fat ugly sweaty cry.
WHY AM I EVEN BOTHERING????
This is so stupid. I'm a Woman of Years. All this "I'm an athlete" thing is such silly bravado. Women a whole lot older than I still look like they are in their 30's because they have always taken great care of themselves, and exercise is something that's always been part of their lives, and they participate in a gazillion race events a year, and know all the lingo and their training logs make mine look so pathetic I'm embarrassed that I ever even put them out there. I'm just a joke.
That's it. I'm done. I'll forget doing the half-marathon and just do the 5K, but only because friends from all the way up in New Jersey have already forked out $$ to be here and participate.
I ranted. I threw some more stuff. I pouted in the corner like the mature woman I quite obviously am. (I mean, if you go by cellulite and upper arm flap size, I think it's possible I am actually 215 years old.)
And then I got up Sunday morning, hooked my good old low tech pedometer on my belt, ditched all the music I had downloaded onto my iPod that was designed to help me pick up my pace, and just walked to music that fed my soul in some way, just like I do on all my Sunday strolls.
While I was out there I had an epiphany of sorts.
When I did the half marathon 2 years ago, it grew out of my just loving to walk. I didn't attempt to train, other than to learn how to stay on my feet for close to that distance without getting bored to death. It just seemed like a cool thing to try. A friend from Michigan flew in and participated with me, and that was neat beyond all reason.
I pulled a hamstring that day, and continued to be plagued by trouble with it for months. I wanted to do the half again last year, but couldn't. This has been a weird 2011 for me and my family, and somehow doing this half-marathon again got to be SO IMPORTANT, and so much a way of shaking my fist at the various and sundry challenges we've faced, that I lost sight of something pretty fundamental.
I just love walking.
I am abandoning training for the rest of this month. I'm going to walk for nobody but me, for no reason except that I love it and I feel better for doing it in every way possible. I'm going to allow my feet to find their own rhythm again. No goals involving distances or times. I'll be tracking them both, and the spreadsheet lives on, but for August, it's just going to be about rediscovering how good it feels just to be out there.
Nothing to prove. Nothing of which to be ashamed. I was never going to win anything, so I cannot lose.
When September rolls around I'll have to set some goals, and develop a plan to help make sure I don't bust a gasket out there during that 13.1 mile walk and I'm already looking forward to looking forward to October 1 again.
*****
Monday, August 1
Rest Day
Tuesday, August 2
Distance: 3.31 miles
Total Time: 49:57
Pace: 15:05 per mile
Wednesday, August 3
Distance: 3.32 miles
Total Time: 50:09
Pace: 15:06 per mile
Thursday, August 4
No walk
Friday, August 5
Distance: 4.26 miles
Total Time: 1:02:36
Pace: 14:42 per mile
Saturday, August 6
Distance: 4.46 miles
Total Time: 1:08:06
Pace: 15:16 per mile
< INSERT BOTTLE TOSS AND TEMPER TANTRUM >
Sunday Stroll, August 7
Distance: 5.21 miles
Total Time: 1:25:11
Pace: 16:21 per mile
I was fixin' to post my playlist, too, but I have been invited to my granddaughter's house for supper, so that can wait. I do hope that, if you're hanging in with me on this blog, that you are at least glancing at that running list (see the tab at top that says playlists?). I have fun putting them up there, along with links to some of my favorites that you might enjoy, too.
You know sweet El...I look at those times and realize that most days I don't even come close to that awesome pace you walk, even on the treadmill, which as far as I know, is straight, predictable and the view rarely changes, but the A/C is constant.
ReplyDeleteYou, on the other hand, venture out and just go for it - banging out a pace that most of us would be darn proud of, particularly in the extreme heat and challenging temps. I could not be more proud of you! Prouder still that you realize that you walk because you LOVE to, and not because you SHOULD!
Good luck with the race - I know you will kick butt and regardless, if you don't - I hear some of those Central America countries might be short a javelin thrower or two for next year's Olympics. I think there's an untapped talent there gal..... xoxo
Don't get discouraged, Eleanor. You are a very disciplined walker and it is normal for you to get bored with your training. I have been debating about whether I am going to run the race. My mind says yes, but my feet and aching hip say no. Perhaps your blog has convinced me to do it and not worry about finishing in a certain time. I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, keep up the good training! Marcia Hudson
ReplyDelete:-) (hugs)
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much.
ReplyDeleteNow then, as I was saying, this post reminded me of my flute practice. I decided to purchase a piece of music that I have LOVED since college, and try to learn it. It's ridiculously difficult. It was written for and performed by James Galway in the late '70's, and it is my all-time favorite flute music.
ReplyDeleteI told myself that I will work at for how ever long it takes. Why not? I have no real purpose in practicing, upon realizing after I picked up my flute again after all these years of retirement, no one associates me as a flute player any more. The phone is not ringing off the hook for opportunities to play. I have no solid goals to aim toward, such as a recital or a concert. Just my own personal challenge, physically, psychologically, and most importantly? Spiritually.
And herein lies the similarity. You keep on walking for your own enjoyment, Eleanor, because you are honoring yourself spiritually. When you put artificial expectations upon yourself, the tendancy is to muck up a really good thing. All in the name of doing more, being better, dedication, or commitment. I think when we are best attuned to ourselves, we just let ourselves be. And that is good enough.
I know there is another analogy in practicing my flute. It is only when I start slow, and play at a pace where I am successful with the fingerings or the rhythm or tempo, that I really "own" the music. When I stay relaxed, my facility increases and I can easily get more of the music under my belt. If I go too fast, or try to learn the music too quickly, I struggle, and then I am more likely to play wrong notes and become tired and frustrated. I don't enjoying playing at all when I'm frustrated. There is absolutely no point in that.
Which doesn't mean that I shouldn't be disciplined about the structure of my endeavor, but I should always realize that connecting with my inner musician cannot be forced. It must always be honored. Easier said than done, sometimes! Isn't that always the case with any spiritual practice?